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That One Time

Exquisite Eliza Jean,
Oh my, our 22nd playdate and I still have so much adrenaline;
Last time I thought I might lose my finest specimen.
Yesterday while under the scalpel, dear Betsy barely made a sound,
So please take heed, and don’t excessively squirm around.
We’re certainly on the cusp of perfecting this procedure,
Let’s bypass the lidocaine, it’s unnecessary for you creatures.
[U.S. Father of Modern Gynecology]

Lovely Lucinda Mae,
Yesterday, I couldn’t bear to see you writhe in such distress,
And my eardrums almost burst, but from that I will digress.
The imprints ’round your wrists were necessary to help us help you,
Imprecisely place the gimlet upon your skull, I dare not do.
Now be sure to secure your headwrap after each medicine infusion.
We, too, eagerly hope for and await your improvement.
[Antebellum U.S. Physician]

Dear Mrs. Fannie Lou,
We promised we’d take remarkable care of your mate;
Tell him to ignore newer programs seeking to treat bad blood as of late.
We are providing extraordinary benefits and free healthcare services.
He may seem a little sicker but you mustn’t get nervous.
It is also our desire that he enjoy a lengthy lifespan,
Let us all continue to abide by the agreed on and original plan.
[U.S. Public Health Service]

Darling Henrietta,
I’ll have you in and out of here, no worries,
Won’t burden you with any paperwork, should you be in a hurry.
So please be a good girl and spread your legs wide,
Don’t mind me as I set these extra samples aside.
Your immortality may benefit mankind forever and you haven’t a clue.
My colleagues and I sit at the edge our seats, anticipating breakthroughs that brew.
[One of the first U.S. Reproductive Medicine Specialists]

Oh, Carolyn Denise,
What a joy it is to see that this morning you’re doing fine,
Perhaps this hour of radiation will make you feel divine.
Others had some vomiting afterwards but it’ll pass quickly,
The advancements for me and my government far outweigh you feeling sickly.
Enjoy your day, go home and get some rest,
We’ll see you at the same time next week to run a few more tests.
[U.S. Pioneer in Radiation Research and Nuclear Medicine]

Sweet Virginia Ann,
Glad to see you’re interested in initiating prenatal care,
We ran some bloodwork and have news we must share.
We encourage you not to propagate your sickle cell trait,
Plus your ape-like features and barbarian ways, we yearn to eradicate.
Trust the expertise of those donned in white coats,
Let’s simply tie those tubes so you don’t sow your oats.
[ U.S. Proponent of Eugenics]

Hello Mrs. Charisse,
I know raising two young boys is a challenging feat,
Especially those inherently wired for aggressiveness and inclination for the streets.
Sources confirm your eldest is already an official delinquent,
Let’s do our best to steer your baby boy onto a path that is different.
Here’s money to put some food on your table,
And we’ll return this guinea pig a little tamer.
[NY State Psychiatric Institute]

Little Miss Kesha,
Quite a fall from the monkey bars you had to endure,
The radiograph confirms you suffered a nasty fracture.
I am terribly sorry you’re in so much pain.
No worries, I’m writing your prescription for ibuprofen.
Stronger medication, I’ve chosen to withhold,
As we all know you brutes withstand higher pain thresholds.
[21st Century U.S. Physicians]

Joniqua Ceasar Joniqua Ceasar (3 Posts)

Contributing Writer

Baylor College of Medicine

Joniqua Ceasar is a member of Baylor College of Medicine's Class of 2018. She is passionate about social justice within medicine and plans to engage in a career of public health. When she isn't memorizing facts from First Aid, you can find her working on a D.I.Y craft project, reading a good book, or trying to hop on a plane to a Spanish-speaking country.